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Performing puts you under expanded scrutiny. Whether on stage as a speaker or artist, in your company or organization as a leader, or on the field as an athlete—all eyes are on you. And sometimes those eyes are extremely critical.
Just ask Sarah Paulson.
Over the course of her acting career, she’s been nominated for five Golden Globe Awards and eight Primetime Emmy Awards, winning one of each.
But in a recent podcast, she shared an “outrageous” experience she had when performing at the Roundabout in the play Talley’s Folly.
After the show, another actor, Trish Hawkins, comes backstage. Years earlier, she had performed the same role as Paulson.
She looks Paulson up and down and goes: “Your dress is yellow. Mine was pink.”
But the story doesn’t end there.
Two days later, Paulson receives an email—complete with six pages of comments, criticism, and feedback. Hawkins had shared pages and pages of notes of what she had done in the play, what she recommended, and how it should be done.
Paulson’s response?
“Trish Hawkins, I have not forgotten it, and I hope to see you never.”
Just say no. Protect your process.
Whether you’re just starting out as a speaker or a veteran in the speaking world, you’ve probably had your own “I hope to see you never” moments.
Fellow speakers, audience members, perhaps even your own friends or family often feel the need to share their opinions and suggestions for your speech, regardless of their lack of professional coaching skills or speaking expertise.
Unless you are professionally or personally obligated to take someone’s feedback, you have every right in the world to say, “Thanks, but no thanks,” when it’s offered.
Because the truth is, anyone who wants to offer advice might not actually know what they’re talking about.
Too often we let other people inside our head to “be polite” or out of some self-imposed sense of responsibility to hear people out. I don’t think you have to.
You see, unskillful feedback, in addition to often being confusing or flat-out wrong, can be hurtful. Especially when you first walk off stage and feel most vulnerable. Even words intended to be supportive can occasionally fall flat or even come off harsh and stabbing.
Of course, I’m not suggesting closing yourself off from feedback; just make sure you have a red-velvet-rope policy that allows in only the thoughts of conscientious, caring people who actually know what they’re talking about and have your best interests in mind.
The red-velvet-rope feedback policy
You see, as the writer, creator, and performer of your speech, you are responsible for protecting your creative process. You must keep it safe from unsolicited feedback, unwelcome comments, and advice that could confuse, distract, or prevent you from achieving your speaking goals.
So don’t just take feedback from anyone. In fact, we suggest you don’t take feedback from anybody you didn’t specifically ask for feedback from. Especially when developing a new speech or working on a new piece.
If an audience member comes up to you and asks, “Can I give you some feedback?” you can say no. Just NO. If a fellow speaker comes up to you and asks, “Can I give you some feedback?” definitely say no. Pair it with a smile if you choose. If you feel the need to explain any more, you can say:
“Right now I’m in the middle of a new creative process and I’m focused on developing my work with a director. So I’m limiting my feedback to theirs at the moment. Thank you though.”
You could also say something like: “Yes, and I don’t have the time or attention at the moment to give it its due, so would you write it down so I can fully absorb it?” Then you can either read it later or throw it in the trash. But nine times out of ten, most people are too lazy to write it down and send it to you (unless they’re Trish Hawkins, in which case, beware).
You see, most people don’t share their feedback with you to help you improve your speech. Instead, they do it to seem smarter or more important and to stroke their own ego. These are the people you should definitely say no to.
Be disciplined. Protect your process. And don’t accept feedback from just anyone.
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