What It Takes to Be Someone Others Want to Help

When I joined the speaking industry more than 20 years ago, it often felt like many speakers were focused on showing off, attracting attention, and making themselves look impressive. 

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I went to different association meetings and checked out some speaking training programs. To my surprise, a lot of the people I met were opposing, competitive, and disapproving of new members—it seemed that to them, each new person only meant more competition.

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Instead of helping and supporting each other, many times speakers vied for attention and tried to prove what a big shot they were. 

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So I tried it too. 

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I puffed up my chest, started faking it, and did everything I could to make myself look more impressive. 

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But it always made me feel more insecure. 

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You see, the problem with marketing yourself as a big deal (when you’re not) is that eventually you’ll have to deliver on that promise. If you’re not all you hyped yourself up to be (and how could you be, you’re just starting out), then you’ve put yourself in a serious dilemma. 

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Perhaps you know the feeling. Deep down, you feel insecure because you know you can’t deliver on what you’re promoting. You secretly don’t even want to book gigs, because if you do, you’ll have to actually show up and impress people on stage. 

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When you do book gigs, you’re even more anxious before the event. And after, feelings of frustration and anger come pouring in. You look for someone to blame for your sub-par performance. You start to seek approval and confirmation that you are the big shot you talked yourself up to be. 

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It’s exhausting. And nine times out of ten, it doesn’t work. 

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It’s much easier to be completely honest with yourself and with others about what you bring to the table. 

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Why People Show Off 

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Competition is a huge part of our world—we root for our favorite sports teams, anxiously await the Olympics to see who takes home the gold, and are constantly looking for what (and who) is best. 

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If you’re playing basketball, whoever scores the most points wins. You could say the team that lost “deserved” to win, or was a “better” team, but at the end of the day, the scoreboard does the talking. The team that earns the most points wins—and that day, during that game, they were the better team.

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But in the artistic world, there’s really no way to compete. There’s no score card like in golf. No referees to make sure you’re staying on track. No points, no goals scored, no winners, no losers. 

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Sure, they have awards and recognitions like the Grammys and the Oscars, but who’s really deciding? There’s marketing, money, opinions, and popularity involved, which complicates things. Different people respond to different artists in different ways for different reasons. It’s impossible to objectively determine who is the best in a creative field. 

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And because it’s impossible to score creativity—and given that it’s entirely subjective—it’s easy to judge performers. Just like athletes, they have their good and bad days, their top and worst performances. 

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But you see, when you can’t tell who’s better, people tend to show off. 

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In the speaking world, it’s quite similar. There’s no way to definitively say one speaker is better than another. Speaking is a creative field, and you can’t put points on the board.

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So speakers get a little competitive. They start to put down others and show off in an attempt to make themselves look better. We see it in the form of criticism, unsolicited feedback, and arrogant, unsupportive comments. 

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It’s easy to criticize and judge. But, as artists, as performers, we must fight the temptation to judge, because it hurts our peers, our industry, and most certainly ourselves. 

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When we compete with, judge, and criticize other performers, we often stop taking risks or making big choices ourselves—because we fear people are doing the same to us. On the other hand, when we're supportive and generous with others, we're much more likely to be supportive and generous with ourselves.

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As with any creative endeavor where you can’t objectively assign points or choose a clear winner, worrying about who’s better is simply a vain attempt at satisfying your own need for approval. 

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Avoid Career-Ending Injuries 

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In almost any sport, a risky or dangerous play could cause you a career-ending injury. At any moment, an athlete could go from the top of their game to sitting on the bench for weeks or months as they recover.  

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In the speaking world, showing off can also cause dangerous problems for you and your speaking business. When you see getting gigs or crafting your speech as a competition between you and everyone else, frustration and anger quickly set in. 

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When another speaker lands a gig you felt you deserved, it will feel unfair, and you might be tempted to criticize and bad-mouth the other speaker, just to make yourself feel better. 

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This criticism and unfriendly behavior separates you from the very people who could help you. It limits your own personal growth and damages your reputation and creative abilities. When speakers start getting critical and competing with each other, it creates conflict, separation, and stagnated personal growth. 

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Looking back on my start in the speaking industry and seeing today’s current practices of showing off and jockeying for the best position, I now realize just how threatening it can be for a new speaker’s success. 

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The “fake it till you make it” idea—while popular—actually destroys any sense of belonging in the speaking community, makes it difficult (if not impossible) to get the help you need to improve, and creates a false sense of success that brings your progress to a standstill.